Sunday, May 31, 2009

A life rant and some news

My life just seems to be in a total uproar right now y'all. My meds aren't doing that great of a job keeping my moods level and nothing is helping my panic attacks. Even my knitting hasn't been as therapeutic as it usually is. I know my home situation is not doing anything to help at all, and I am ready to make that change.

I have been having such a hard time coping with Wayne's attitude and actions. I have tried talking to him about his drinking, and he makes empty promises that he appears to be keeping for a week, maybe two and then it's right back to "normal". Lately he has even been getting angry when I hang out with my BFF. It has gotten to the point that I can't stand for him to even be nice to me anymore, because (while I know he's sincere when he is) it is always so short-lived and he gets upset over how I do or don't react when he does and then he is hateful for the rest of the day. I have been so "done," so over it, for so long now. I don't even want things to work anymore.

Last night we finally talked (believe it or not, he was sober). He said that I am not home enough (funny, I run errands on Thursdays & on a normal week get out with Sam once, MAYBE twice-and rarely ever more than that, she has a family too!). Now granted, when he's drinking, there are times I will get up and leave, but who can blame me for that? He said that as my husband he should come first in my life above everything, that is what he deserves and he is tired of playing 2nd fiddle to everything else in my life. He said he needs stability. Sitting here typing this it just hit me! He had me feeling so guilty last night...but looking back, I am amazed at how he can point the finger at me like he is the freaking rock of gibraltar! He continued by saying that these times are financially stressful and I am not very supportive, in fact I add to the stress--I don't know how; he gave me $65 this week to go grocery shopping on & I had $4 left over and I'll be darned if he didn't take that back! On average, this is about how much he gives me for groceries every week; some weeks more, some weeks less but $65 is the average. I don't typically get pocket money. This past weekend I did ask for money to get away for the weekend. It was the 1 year anniversary of my Daddy's death & I just needed to go away. He filled up my tank and gave me $10 for the road. Other than that, I don't ask him for money and he rarely ever just hands any over. Yet he always finds money for his cigs & beer, but I'M adding to the financial stress.

He told me he couldn't live like this anymore. I agreed. Y'all, I agreed with damn near everything he said last night. Even when I complained about something that he did that bothered me, I included my faults as well. I did not sit here and let him "have it with both barrells." I took all of the blame. Me, and my bipolar & anxiety disorders. We took it all. I put nothing off on him. But I did tell him that I knew that neither one of us were happy and that this situation was not healthy for either of us and surely not the boys. He doesn't want to be without me (of course, I just don't understand that since I am such an awful and unstable person). He thinks we could be great together. That when I am good (his words y'all!) I am the perfect woman.

Y'all I simply told him that I am bipolar. I am only physically able to be so stable. Try as I might, I have limitations. I am not going to be this perfect wife that never gets depressed, or upset or has a panic/anxiety attack. Lord above knows that I wish I could! But the fact of the matter is, I'm not. Being in this situation is not helping it either. I told him that I felt I should go Monday and apply for housing assistance. I have to stay here until they can get me into a place, because I have no where else to go. He suggested we be kind to each other-I agreed, but then he was not happy that his offer of kindness wasn't enough to make me want to stay. Today is our 15th wedding anniversary, and tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow I will be trying to find the resources to move on and start to pick up the pieces.

So that's what's been goin' on. That's my rant; my news.
Have a great week guys.
I love y'all!

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6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through such difficult times. I wish only good days for you and that life will treat you kindly, whatever decision you make.

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  2. Thanks Mary Anne. Me too. I just need the strength to be able to stand up for myself and do what I know needs to be done, without worrying about who I am disappointing. *sighs* I know that if I do, things will start to get better.

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  3. I've left you some love on my blog. I hope it brightens your day!

    http://zaftigdelights.blogspot.com

    Sandie

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  4. Thats a lot to be dealing with all at once! I hope you are doing ok and just remember you are in my thoughts. I hope things get better soon :)

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  5. Thanks Kaine. I truly appreciate that hun.

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  6. Sandie, you are so precious. Thank you so much!

    (((( HUGS ))))

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I absolutely love comments from you and do my best to respond to each one, either on the post or (if you leave your email address) to you individually.
Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy life to visit with me a while!

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(¸..•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`-: † :- Anita
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